pedicures- good and bad

As I look down at my toenails, wishing I had not lost my clippers, I pull out the inner redneck in me and find the sharpest knife I have and go to work on the big toe's tonail. I'm not sure how it grew into a pointy shape but it was disgusting and catching on socks, pj's, jeans, rugs, unsuspecting puppies when they walk by...etc..etc so even though i know i'm getting a pedicure tomorrow with my sister at lunch, i just can't take another day of sharp, pointy toenail. Holding it very still I use my big butcher knife to shave little bits off at a time and singing along to White Stripes "Hotel Yorba"
"I been thinking
of a little place down by the lake
they got a dirty little road leading up to the house
I wonder how long it will take till we're alone
sitting on the front porch of that home
stomping our feet on the wooden boards
never gonna worry about locking the door "..........

hmmmm catchy and appropriate.
No catastrophe's and the knife is now in the dishwasher!
Let's skip ahead to my wonderful pedicure. Lindsey and I settle in for some relaxing scrubbing and lotioning and painting... so i'm getting the massage chair going, the girl is starting her routine with rubbing and scrubbing, the relaxing stuff so i close my eyes... "ahhh, that feels great, yup that's niiic...WOAH OUCH!!" That's all happening in my head, the only thing that happened in the chair however was my eyes popping open and me sitting up very straight, wanting to stretch my leg out and kick the chick that just ripped a layer of skin off of my foot and was still scrubbing away talking to her little friends on either side of her, definitely not noticing the squirming customer's foot she held in her hand. Finally she looks up, smiles and says "it tickles?" I grin what i'm sure has to be a smile straight out of Stephen King's the Shining and nod my head.
After she finally finishes rubbing lotion and other stinging items into my now open wound, we are finished! awwwww yesssss smooth feet, I never knew how smooth my feet could be without skin!!!
I will be eating Ice cream tonight.

to sleep or not to sleep, i think that is sleeps choice... or ambian's

I couldn't sleep last night. I don't know if it's because i went to bed at 7pm or because i dreamed that i was hitting on a beautiful girl in my dream, and in the dream i was asking myself, why am i hitting on a girl? well I woke up at 1,3,4, and finally 6. Time to get up when I think i can finally fall asleep.
So this morning i change things up a bit and dance to Pink instead of Fergie while i'm getting ready, a little less arms in the air waving around and a little more angry, i am woman hear me roar dancing, unfortunately things jiggle a little more than they are supposed to with that kind of dancing so i stopped shortly after beginning and just sang along with the right attitude!
Discovery- If you have been off of cheese or dairy products for awhile and your diet has strictly been of steamed veggies and healthier foods, I recommend NOT eating 4 slices of cheese pizza in one setting. It's been haunting me for 3 days now and feels like a rock is making a home for itself in my stomach.
Since it's been quite a while since i've blogged i have a few things i might mention that doesn't really relate to my day today.
Let's start with scented hand lotion. I believe it must be made only for the women who don't wear perfume!!! Problem is, I wear perfume and i LOVE scented hand lotion. Do i have to choose? what if my hands are dry in the afternoon and this lotion is sitting in front of me and i already have perfume on , do my hands just stay dry, or do i overwhelm everone within a 2 mile radius of me with "secret wonderland hand creme" and "be delicious" perfume? I of course choose to overwhelm.
I hate it when i have a funny response to something someone says while they are walking by because it never works out quite right. you know you only have about 7 seconds to get your funny reply out before the person has to actually stop to listen to what you are saying so you shorten your hilarious reply, maybe you shorten it a little too much until you realize not only was it not funny but it couldn't be counted as a complete sentence since you're still mumbling the rest of it under your breath and the person is walking away thinking "what did that mean? Maybe I shouldn't make eye contact anymore" the best solution to this problem is only chuckle at what the passerby has to say or maybe a short comment such as "that's right" or "how'd you know" or even "pretty much". 2, 3 words at most is your only way of not feeling like a complete moron with nothing funny to say.
I'll finish this blog up with a simple piece of advice. If you are unsure at all, don't even start speaking!!

moo

step to the left step to the right, booty shake booty shake, chest pump, arms in the air, twist twist... I like to dance to fergie when i get ready in the mornings. Today it was fergalicious. Hair in a towl, fluffy white robe on and i'm workin' it out. Not only are my moves GOOD, but i feel like i'm getting a little bit of a workout in since I couldn't force myself to go to the gym since... well it doesn't matter when the last time was.
Awwww sweet little moo is watching me and jumping around and "oooowowwwwowowowo" nails tooooo long. Dancing my way over to her toenail clippers I have her sit down and take her first paw... clip... clip...clip... "uhh what's that?" blood? oooh I got a little too close.. "uh oh uh oh uh oh, lots of blood now!!" fighting back tears and a wommity feeling i grab a towel and hold that cute foot still. Somewhere in there I forgot to breathe and "why is everything getting black?" I feel really really hot! Sweat on my forehead... I rip the towel off my head and tear my robe off and so i continue to sit in all my naked, wet hair, fergalicious state trying to get my puppy's toenail to clot.
*sigh* good morning wednesday.

The surprising uses of nail polish!

So nail polish is what has been on my mind the last few days. In the past I've looked at women with the long square nails, painted bright red tapping with the pads of their fingers but still managing to lightly tap a completely different letter with nail. clack, clack, clack, clack.. we have all see and heard this!!! The only use of artificial nails is for back scratching, but seriously how many people with itchy backs do you know, let alone ones that want you to touch them and possibly claw rather than scratch? Ok this was not my point I was trying to make... Besides the long square nails, I used to really really dislike nail polish and couldn't understand why anyone would wear it. Well... the last few days I have been dabbling some in the arts of nail painting featuring "reddy or not", "flert alert" and one other that had a fun, can't resist painting me this name. After that first stroke of bright red on my thumb nail... i felt something... I wasn't even sure what it was until the next day at work! Every time I signed a document, every time I handed over material to a fellow employee, every time I typed on my computer... my eyes were drawn to one thing, my nails! I felt... POWER!!! I was in control! I was better than every unpainted nail in the place! Which is a lot since there are mainly men here, but still... POWER! CONTROL... I have to breathe! If someone were to give me attitude in my mind I'd be thinking..."woah woah woah... see these nails? I think you should reconsider!" Who knew Nail polish could affect someone like that? Also.. the bright color covers any dirt that might gather under your nails during the day and by doing so shoot down you're confidence. Yes... bright nail polish might be the answer to any insecureties! 

As I predicted, I only have 2 followers here on my blog. My sister and my mother. Does anyone agree with me that it seems a little suspicious that anyone who reads your blog is considered "your follower"? By having a blog you are either asking people to stalk you or trying to create a cult. At least that's what it would look like to someone who didn't understand blogging... It's cleverly hidden in "this is an outlet for you to express yourself".. hmmm i wonder. I halfway feel as though I'm going to have a burning fica tree on my apartment porch for my cult. mainly because my cult would never kill harmless animals or a cross. that's just BAD taste!!! hmmm i'll have to remove my patio furniture...



Before I leave off today, for those who read my blog about the laffy taffy..... twizzle sticks work the same way. Also if you ever want anything just mention how much that thing bothers you or in my case (makes me drool) and the people who love you will make sure you have plenty. Thanks Laura Q. :P

Pretty shoes, painful feet

This has always been a problem for me. New shoes. I try not to think about my deformed toe that sticks out in a weird look at me sort of way but when it comes time for new shoes there's no denying or ignoring the baby toe on the side screaming at me "you might squeeze me into that shoe but i'm going to make you hurt the whole time!!! And when you're finally comfortable in your pretty new shoes, it'll be too late, I'll have worn my way right through the side and you can start all over." I hate that toe. So obviously I'm wearing new heels today. When I tried them on at the store they were fine, this morning I proudly slip the shiny toe killers on and "ouch!" they come right back off. I check the inside to make sure that it was my toe that hurt me and not a scorpian pinching me.... *sigh* it was the toe. Well i'm going to wear them anyway. They are pretty and new and i already threw away all my old shoes. I put them back on and hobble around the apartment a few times. I try to imagine i'm a runway model and I try to stride out stomping as I go, on the first step I yelled God help me!!! Time for a different tactic... baby steps. I baby step it for a few circles trying to balance mainly on the inner part of my foot, time for my big toe to pull it's weight. I've been told vaseline will help break in new shoes that are too tight so I glob some on in the "death to your baby toe" area and some more on the "i'll scrape your ankle raw" area... and i'm good to go... I think. It's a little slippy inside those pretty shoes now, but i'm out of time!!! I have to go to work!

Next obsticle: I go outside and my car is about 12 steps away from me but it is surrounded by ice. Black ice, white snow on top of black ice... *deep breath* I can do this, I have to do this. I get my balance on my big toes again and before I take each step I rub the ground with my foot in a circle to test the slippyness of it, I make it half way and I stop, time to think this through... the passenger door is closest to me, there is no reason why I shouldn't just crawl through that side!! It's right next to my driver seat!!! Brilliant!! I feel very smart at this point. I make it to the door and crank it open, crawl in on all fours and do a roll and tuck to end up right behind my steering wheel!! I feel like a charlie's angel, only one problem, my 4 inch heel is tangled in my purse and lunch bag and my right leg is securely fastened to the seat beside me. I really really really hope no one is watching. It's always at the point where you feel so pretty cause you took time to fix your hair, put on a new sweater and break in those beautiful, painful new heels, right when you feel tall and better than everyone else in the world that the roll and tuck knocks you right back down where you belong. I straighten up, look both ways and slowly back my way out and drive far far away from anyone who might be looking out there windows.

I have 2 last things I feel like I need to bring up today. I got to work early. There was a parking space right in front of my building!! That never happens... so I take it. There's no one's name on it, there isn't a handicapped sign, although with these heels people would have believed I was disabled, so i park and go in to my desk. I feel really guilty and just a bit scared that I shouldn't have parked there and within 5 minutes a voice comes over the speaker " will the owner of a Blue (the color of my car) , *long pause* *holding my breath eyes wide, heart pounding* ... ford escape licence plate number ------ please move your vehicle" I felt like a criminal until i heard ford escape and not dodge neon.
The second question I have is for my sister... how long have these cans of soda been sitting here and can it go flat still in a can?? I swear this sprite that i took my medicine with tasted a bit fizzless.

First Post, Tuesday afternoon- dead

One boss gone all week, my other boss left about 2 hours ago for the day. I guess i'll make a list of necessary items to keep at my desk.... Midol, Advil, Pepto... the chewable kind. Pepto liquid makes me gag. It tricks you because it's such a pretty color. What could be bad about something pink? Little girls in pink dresses, pink bows, pink piglets, rosy cheeks (which are in fact pink cheeks) all cute things... so for your first experience with pepto you take a sniff... "whoa!!" What the heck?! If you're brave enough to ignore your sense of smell then you deserve what you get after that!!! It coats your tongue,teeth,roof of your mouth and your throat! You have no chance!! Pink is no longer cute or precious or endearing. It's just Pepto! The chewable tabs however, if you can manage to not get it stuck in your teeth for very long goes down much smoother. Ok... what else... I like Taffy... maybe some Laffy Taffy at my desk would be good.. I have to make sure I eat it when no one is around to pop in and ask a question, good luck pulling your teeth apart to answer, plus has anyone noticed how much you drool once you start to really chew on it? Oh and God forbid you swallow too soon and part of it goes down your throat while the rest is attached to a tooth, that just becomes a nasty mess!! Hmmmm ok no laffy taffy at work then...

In a couple hours I get to go home and walk to my door like a little old lady who because she is missing all her toes has no balance. It's been 2 days now and my apartment hasn't salted my walkway yet. It's solid ice. Now... I don't fall usually but I work very hard at it, the ice literally, with no dramatics about it, strikes fear into my heart to walk on it. If I were to imagine what my eyes look like while I inch my way across my concussion waiting to happen, I believe it would look something like a mad cow that is very very very focused on eating all the grass before any other normal cow could get to it. Ugh, my forehead creases are hurting just trying to explain it! Now add the terror of a 56 lb puppy who has been crossing her legs needing to go outside so badly that she doesn't care if you are on your feet or your stomach, you're coming with her!
I'm ready for spring, except for the large bugs... but that's a blog for the spring.

I ate some chocolate covered peanuts today. I wish that I hadn't. That's what really started the entire thought about Pepto. I don't know why I ate them really... I ate one and it wasn't very good, and then before I knew it there were only 4 left... well I couldn't leave 4 in the bag just to make me sick another day so I powered through until there was only 1 left and it fell on the floor... here's the good part, I was sick to my stomach but still felt bad about throwing away that last one. That last disgusting poopy colored nut! Seriously? If there is anyone out there that might be experiencing this same problem I really think it's time for a support group and for snacks.... no chocolate covered peanuts! Or pepto.